Why Leaders Need To Get Fearless About Feedback — Leading With EQ Newsletter #6

Hi, all! I'm kicking off 2021 with another edition of my Leading with EQ newsletter, sharing thoughts on EQ (emotional intelligence) in the workplace, along with a few media favorites and inspirational ideas. Thanks to everyone who’s shared a comment: I love to see the vibrant conversations these newsletters spark, so please keep ‘em coming!

Thought Of The Week— Facing Feedback (And A New Year) Head On 

There’s no shortage of critical sentiment in the air these days. Though we’re only a few weeks into the new year, I’m sure we’ve all been tempted to throw in our two cents about politics, the pandemic, the economy and more.

But my goal for 2021 isn’t to dish out criticism: it’s to soak it up — because getting healthy feedback from the people around you is core to good leadership. 

The trick, of course, is not just to ask for feedback, but to engage and process it. We’re watching too many people right now yelling at each other; rather than listening. And we're reacting to criticism with defensiveness, anger and fear. 

I acknowledge that being open and vulnerable to criticism is certainly easier said than done, but when it’s done right, it’s an opportunity to level up like no other. Here are a few approaches I've explored in recent articles for accepting feedback with grace and humility, so we can spend the next year growing, not fighting.

Processing feedback starts with empathy

As a leader, it’s my job to constantly put myself in others’ shoes. Empathy is the only way to create true buy-in or build a lasting company culture. So, when I get feedback, this is this first muscle I engage. Where is this individual coming from? What challenges, experiences or concerns have brought them here? What eyes do they see the world through? Interestingly, I think studying a second language in university was good training for me in the empathy department. Learning a foreign language has to be one of the most meaningful ways to truly internalize that the world is a big place — not everyone speaks, thinks, or relates to things like you do. And real communication doesn't start until you walk a mile in someone's shoes.

Getting feedback is a healthy (and vital) part of getting the job done

Accepting that criticism is normal, even healthy, was a pivotal step for me in growing as a leader. Without that perspective, you risk being paralyzed into inaction. Worse, if you’re allergic to feedback, you really never get to test your own limits or learn from them. It’s no secret that some of the biggest names in business — Jobs, Musk, Gates, Huffington — all had their share of critics. My theory: their success had as much to do with knowing what to tune in to as knowing what to tune out. Accepting feedback graciously is really the only way to grow and mature — otherwise, you may as well be standing still.

Take the conversation deeper

Beneath most criticism, there’s a nugget of wisdom. The onus is on you to let go of your ego and take the first step to engage the other person and extract that value. No matter how smart we are, we can’t know what anyone is truly thinking without asking. True vulnerability isn’t doubting yourself; it’s having the confidence to ask the hard questions and the humility to act on the answers.

On a practical level, that means responding to anyone who’s taken the time to share meaningful feedback. I once had a busy colleague submit some pretty raw criticism of me as part of a 360-degree review — so I got myself out of bed at 5:15 a.m. just to join them for an early-morning workout at the office gym and get that face time. We both left the conversation feeling seen and heard, in a way that would have been impossible otherwise. 

Remember: Listening is your superpower right now

In a context where there are no historical precedents to fall back on, it’s so critical to collect input from those around you and strive for a shared understanding before acting. Amid the chaos of the crisis, it’s tempting for leaders to cut through conflicting information with pat answers and quick decisions. But here’s the thing: Literally no one has all the answers right now, so drop the act. Listening and absorbing feedback can be your your greatest ally these days.

My Current Media Diet

Song Exploder on Netflix

Based off of the popular podcast, Song Exploder is now a Netflix series, and I can’t get enough. The breakdown of how REM (one of my all-time favorite bands) created “Losing My Religion” is mind-expanding to say the least. It’s incredible how just one tweak to a bass line or lyric can make such an impact to the final product ... a reminder to leaders, in a way, that creating something great starts in the details.

Hiring for Emotional Intelligence

This Fast Company story on hiring for EQ in the Covid-19 era underlines everything I believe about the importance of emotional intelligence at work. I love the idea of going beyond just leading with EQ, to building a whole team full of empathetic people. There are some great takeaways for how to detect this quality in your applicant pool, from asking interview questions that gauge interpersonal skills, to critically assessing Zoom etiquette. 

Reader Feedback

If you're reading this newsletter, you probably already know how important empathetic leadership is to me. I love hearing from others about how they're leveling up their own EQ, so the other day I asked the LinkedIn community, "What does empathetic leadership mean to you?" This response, from Varlinx CEO Dave Osh, was exactly what I was hoping to hear:

I personally practice empathic leadership by empathic listening. In conversations, especially heated conversations, I acknowledge what my partner said in 2 channels: The nonemotional and the emotional for both the data and the context. Listening to both nonemotional and emotional and reframing in my own words requires my full attention to my partner rather than to what I'm going to say. It sounds like this: "It seems that the existing process frustrates you because it's time-consuming and ineffective. Did I get it right?" Empathic listening is the foundation of building trust but easy said than done.

Listening is one of the most powerful tools a leader can have, and I love the idea of listening on multiple levels. Thanks, Dave!

#Dadvice

As always, I’m wrapping up this newsletter with a bit of friendly #dadvice. Here’s one life lesson that I’m trying to teach to my kids … and practice daily in my own social interactions:

You have to embrace self-awareness to make any relationship work, whether it's personal or professional.

Acknowledging and understanding your own strengths and weaknesses is one part of this; seeing yourself through the other person’s eyes is another. It’s the backbone of any relationship built on humility, honesty and empathy.

Thanks so much for reading! Please hit me up with any comments, suggestions or feedback, and don’t forget to share with your network here.