Executive Coach, Professional Speaker & Mindset Expert at the Momentum Institute™.
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Consider a time when you felt hurt or betrayed by a colleague, friend or family member. Now, imagine what life would be like if you could somehow free yourself of that pain.
The truth is that individuals and organizations are much more successful and “healthy” when people aren’t holding on to past hurts. Therefore, one of the attributes of transformational leaders is their ability to shift feelings such as anger, disappointment and blame into something positive. By practicing forgiveness, you can fuel trust and respect, thereby increasing your team’s performance.
Transformational leadership requires a great deal of compassion. We must remember that our team members are human and that it takes time to adapt to change, which means that they may make some mistakes and perhaps even say or do things that will upset us. This is why it’s important to know when to forgive past wrongdoings in an effort to create a brighter future for our team or organization.
As an executive coach, I sometimes hear clients share current or past experiences of being hurt by someone they trust, which naturally causes them to feel emotions such as anger, frustration and resentment. Yet, holding on to unproductive emotions can deplete our energy and inhibit us from making wise decisions and performing at our best.
How can we let go of those emotions and forgive others for what they’ve done?
We can learn from transformational leaders such as Nelson Mandela, who spent 27 years in prison. During that time, he was isolated in terrible conditions. After being released in 1990, he could have stayed angry at those who had wrongfully imprisoned him. Instead, he chose to forgive them and accept what happened. By releasing that hurt and focusing on a brighter future, he was able to achieve true freedom.
I see this in my coaching when people experience a heightened level of forgiveness after accepting their situation and emotions and finding the positive lessons from painful events. In fact, they often decide to reconnect with a parent, old friend or others whom they have not spoken to in years.
To clarify, forgiveness is not about condoning other people’s hurtful behavior. It is about developing compassion and accepting others for being imperfect, while at the same time honoring our boundaries and protecting ourselves. It's about knowing that blaming others will never solve the problem or lead to inner peace. We must free ourselves from our own negative "victim" story of what we believe happened to us. And we must realize that the other person’s behavior likely had nothing to do with us. They were probably feeling some threat or danger (consciously or unconsciously), which activated their survival instincts and inhibited them from doing the “right” thing.
Here's the bottom line: Everyone makes mistakes. It’s part of being human, which is why we cannot expect the people in our life to always meet our expectations. They’ve got their own limiting beliefs and personal struggles, which is why forgiveness is a key component to transformational leadership and a healthier life.
Ask yourself, “Is there someone or something in my life that I need to forgive?” To help you forgive people for their mistakes, I invite you to take the following actions:
1. Begin by labeling and accepting the emotions that you are feeling. Ask yourself, “What emotions are present as I focus on that situation or event?” It could be anger, hurt, betrayal, etc.
2. Once you accept how you are feeling, you can develop compassion by considering the other person’s true intentions. Ask yourself questions such as, “Why did the person do what they did?” and “Was the hurtful behavior consciously intended to cause pain, or was it more likely due to a misunderstanding, their inability to meet my expectations or perhaps because they were under a great of stress?" Remember that everyone is always doing their best based on the resources they have available to them and their state at the time. Be sure to practice self-compassion as well because you too are a "work in progress," where every challenging event is an opportunity to grow.
If you are struggling with self-blame, I invite you to complete the following phrases to help you forgive yourself for past mistakes:
• “I did the best I could when I...”
• “It wasn’t easy for me when I...”
• “I learned some important lessons when I...”
• “I am sorry about when I...”
When you decide to let go of the blame and make peace with yourself and others, you’ll be rewarded with physical, mental and emotional well-being. In addition, you’ll likely find it easier to access the beautiful lessons and gifts from those past painful experiences. The return on your investment will be a more compassionate and coherent work environment, which drives greater collaboration, creativity and higher performance.
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